Dudley 's life: As told EXACTLY by him
by OppySheep
Summary: 'K, if you hate bad grammar, have a hard time understanding misspelled words, then this fic is not for you. It is written in the way that Dudley would've most likely done. Chapter 2 up!!
1. Years 1 and 2

Dudley's life (as told by him)  
By Dudley Dursley

Quick note: This story was written by Dudley, from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and bits of the Chamber of Secrets. His story. I really shoulda been the editor here, but I'm just too lazy to care, and too ditzy to know how to spell most anyway. Please (as rudely mentioned) R/R and tell me if I should continue with 3 and 4. Thanks, and good luck understanding! 

Hi my names Dudley I'm 14 years old and 290 lbs but i'm on a bad diet and i gett bigger grapefruit than everyone else cause i'm speacial. anyways this is my lif since Hary came into it and he gots a first book written about him so i said to mum "why issnt there a book written about me" and i fake cries so mum says "write one yourself" so i says ok and goes to my compoter which ugly hary isin't allowd on and types this up 

I was a year old and i saw a kitty on our corner and i liked the kitty, and wanted to give it sweets cause thats what kittys like so i ask mum and she says no so i kick and scream and say "I wont go in the houose 'cause i need to give the kitty candy" and mum was happy 'cause i said wont and i gave the kitty candy but the kitty didnt eat it and i was sad but then i sat and dad was saying somthng about Hary but I didnt realize it and went to bed. The next morng the kitty was gone and there was Hary there so mabbe hary was the kitty buthe changed in to hary and i tries to get him to change back but he says no i can't do that so i breaks his glasses. 

I pokes him and says hi but he just cried and so I beat him up when mum wasn't looking and hit him in the face and ruined his eyesite so mum has to go when hes 5 and going to skool and get him ugly glases to go with his ugly face and so I was at skool too but i didn't need glases so i beat Hary up at reces with pirs, malcom, denis, and jordn cause it was fon and we beat him good. Then, in 3rd grade, when i was in specaiael classes but he wasn't 'cause i'm smater than him thats what mum and dad say and lok Hary in the cubboard cause hes bad when auntie marge comes and tries to win at my games but she says "oh no you dont" and whaks him with her cane. Then, when auntie marge came again, Hary **porposely** steppd on ripper the dogs tail and chasd after him which was funnie and i laffed lots! cause harys bad! 

Then on my b - day, i wakes up and hary is fring eggs, i want some but he hasnt got enough yet so i count my presents like 1, 2, 4, 8, and so on but i says "36. That's 2 less than last year" cause i count everything. but i scrwed up and forgot auntie marges presnt and i got 2 more but then sommat bad happened and hary has to go to the zoo with me and pirs but i dont want him to come so i fake cries again but he still comes and mum even bys him a lemon ice pop, and then they screws up on my nikerbokr glory so i gets another one and hary gets to finish the other one but i wanted to finsh it but i wasnt gonna cry in front of pirs, o no i a man, so i let him. and then we went to the reptle hoose and the snake was borng and dad couldnt make it move so i left and sudnly the glass disapred and i made up a story that the snake almost bit off me leg!!! hary was stil a bad boy and he got his cubbord. 

So one day, cause mum and dad were admirng me again on a day i makes hary get the mail cause i tried to poke him with my smelting sitk and he doges it and i give up so i gives up and dad reads a letter from auntie marge (who gives me pounds) and i look at ugly hary to say sommat mean but he has a letter and reads it but i says to dad "dad, harys got sommat" and dad snatches it away. then mum says "vernon!" and i thinks thats a cus word but i dunno and then they argue so i got the keyhol and they very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very (*Ok, Dudley, we have the point*) mean and rotn thing to do and they take away my xtra bedroom but i need that room! mum is stoopid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Then, wes go lots of places and i couldn't pak my stuff and i was wappd by dad hard so i didn't pak my compooter and vcccr and telivison cause dad wappd me and we left and went to a hotel and then we gots letters agin but then dad said that we had to go agian but i cried cause wrestlng wasnt where we was going we went to a hut on the rock and i didnt like it but then at 12 oclock a big guy came and shot a canon and i got a piggy tail (atually, i always wanted a piggy tail) but dad said i had to get it remoofed but hagrit (the guys name) cooked hot dogs and i liked hot dogs so i sqremed and dad said "dont touch anything he givs you, dudley" so i dont and i tries hard. And the nite is over and harys actally a wizrd isnt that cool and id get him to do magic trix but he cant cause dad and mum are scareed. 

Hary deisapers and comes back with an owl "mum" i says "i wanna owl" and i doesnt get one cause mom is stoopid, and hary gets one and then we go to kings cros the trian staton and hary has to go to platfrom 9 and 3 qarters we all laff cause theyres a 9 and a 10 but no 9 and 3 quarters so we drives off and leafs hary. i then go to have the "rudy tale" remofed and it hurts but soorgey is cool doesnt you think? 

I then starts my year at smeltngs where dad wenand i gets fs for fatastic, and as are awful cause i said so but then hary comes home and he is scary and does magic but latr we find out he's not suposd to do magic and he does so he gets a warnng and i laffs but that day hary had to do chores and it was his b-day but thse company peple take and comes over to our hoose and i take there coats and hary breaks perfcty good puddin and what yoo dont know id that i ate it offa the foor and that was fun cause mum didnt know and i likd it and puddin is good good good good! i thinks better then hotie dogs. anywho, hary goes back to his skool and i get more fantastks. oh yea i found a substitute for hary his name is er i forrgot but i thinks its dork cause thats wot i always call em but neway fantastks are good better than stoopid as cause pirs gets ds so hes darned dunno what that means but i thinks it means he's stoopid like mum!

So whaddya think? pleese R/R or i'll beat you up good! Or i'll get stoopid mum! 'mere stoopid mum...er, smart wonderfol mum. hehhehehehehehehehehehehe! 

DISCLAIMER: Dudley, hary (Harry Potter), hagrit (Rubeus Hagrid) Vernon, and everything else you recognize is J.K Rowling's, not mine or Dudley's. 


	2. Years 3 and 4

Dudley's Life: Years 3 and 4 as told by him  
By Dudley Dursley and the stoopid person (I told you, QUIT IT!!)

  
  
A/N: 'K, I've been thinking that I should make some sort of a Smeltings Diary where people write in it from the school to Dudley. Or just Dudley. Hey, I won't know unless you R/R and tell me!! We both...er, I thank you, and the people who could never read it before, Dudley got a new editing program so that there are capital letters. I can't promise you that he used the spell check, though. 

Hay wossssssssssssssssssssup? I maked this again cause you peoople liekked the furst one so I goes to my nice new shny compouter and types a new one up and My names Dudley Dursley and I goto Smeltings somwthere in England but I don't know where that is and im still on a relay bad deit and it sucks but im two big for the cloothes that stoopid Smeltings gives me and so I have to do it so Laura the girl that I likes likes me back cause im just so pretty and evryone likes the greet dudley Dursley cause evrybody just does but um im still 14 years old and Hary stil lives here and I catches him one day writing and he was in a triwezard torunement or sommat and he won and then I wrips up the letter and makes him mad hee hee hee! Neways oi should get to the story now. But I havta tell you about what happened cause Hary's friend caled here I think it was roon weezley and dad was yellin at them and I laffed soooo hard!!! 

Ok I was going back form a lite midnite snak which was 3 hamborgers 5 fizzy drinks 32 oz of potootes 2 bags of popscorn and 1 taapiooca puddin cause it was goross. And I sees Hary righting his homewoork, right? Hes not sopposed to do that but I let him neway and I stoppped to watch him and yoo woould never guess but 3 owls came thru the window!!! I got scareed and ran back then. The next moorning I wakes up and goes downstairs and watches my new tv that I gots as a weloome home preesent and I had to complaain about the looooong walk between the leving room and the frige cause 10 feet is just twoooooo long!! And then he sat between me and dad watching an uglee person that escaped and it turns out that that was Harys goddad and I was scareed.

Then dad wnet to pick up auntie marge and I watched dad bug Hary and I didnt wanna come cause tv was on and I smirrked cause Hary was being bullied...hehehehee!! And I told you what she did last time but im gonna tell you again ok when I was 5 at my berthday partay auntie marge wacked Hary hard to stop Hary form winning but I wouldhave won neway and then later I gots a relay cool robot from her and Hary got some doggie treats but I stole those and I eats em up. They wernt that bad and this is the funnist of em all and meen old Hary stepped on Ripper the dogs tale and hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK HARY STEPPs on rippers tale and ripper chased him hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!! And Hary was in a tree for lots and lots and lots of time!!!!!! I laffed soooooooooooooooooooooo hard!!!! 

Neway I had to make meself smart for my auntie so mummy bought me a new bow tie and I rekon that I looked pretty smart but since im smart neway I realy didnot need it because I finally figoored out about a weak ago that 2+2 was 5 and me and stoopid peers learnt that neway Hary doesnt go to his skool nemore for a weak and he goes to st brotuses for incoorably croimanaall boys and he had to keep that up If he wanted to go to his skool hog-my skool I thinks thats what its called but neway I gets a 20 pound note in my hand and mum and auntie keesed and colonel fooboster is wtching over the other dogs and I can't rember much else after the furst 3 days but the next thingy I know is that Hary was gone and I didnt see him till next summer but all I can say about skool was that it was borrring and I gots more fantastiks and I beats up Dork again so I gets in trooble.

then, Hary comes back for the next sommer and thats when my stooopid deit started and stoooopid mum!!! Die mum!!! All I gets is a peice of rotten uglee gross stoopid grapefruit and mum is still very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very (*sigh* Dudley, we have the point again. Quit it!!) stoopid and so is this person who keeps tellin me to quit it your stoopid too!! (HEY!!!! I read that!!!) Neway, dont stoopid people get awfuls? (They're not awfuls, they're A's for outstanding!! Read your agenda sometime!!) I throws that away. (*sighs again* I quit!!!) Good. NEWAY before I was roodley intrupted Hary gots this funy letter it had stamps on it and this is what it said well I loses the letter but Hary is gettin picked up by the weezleys right the same peopple who called awhile ago and neways I learnt aboout qiddtch and Hary is goin to the world cup or whatevr and Hary makes me feel bad cause he was wering my cothes and he says "only after me finished with em" and im not that fat am I?

Well then he runs inter me and neerly knocks me over cause I wanted to heaar him get beat up and he tells me "that was an excellent breakiefast, doent yoo think I feel realy full dont yoo" and I was shooked and loked at him and he runs away and paks then at tomorow I was scareed cause even thow soorgery is cool the doktors told me of about my wight and I was upset and mum said "its ok duddeykins" and I was hapy after that so I pretends im a spy and walks sideways lookin for the wezard and I puts my hand ofer my bum al the time cause I dont wanna make mummmy and daddy think I want a piggy tail but I realy do and thats what im going to ask the wezard for hee hee hee!!

So I walks to the leving room to look smart so I can wait cause I thinks it wouldnt be moch longer right?? I mean it was 1/2 past 5 whatevr that is and I thinks they were sopposed ter be hear at 5. And then I heer nooses so I get scareed cause it may be ickle ghosties and im scareed off ickle ghosties but not ickle furst years o no we beats them up and then neways I runs away but it was only the wezards and they shot out and maked my leving room all messy including my tv so I was scareed that hed do it again so I comed back and gazzed at him and hid behind mum and ron I think that was the other uglee guys name ron almost laffed and it wasnt funny and I put my hands titer round my bum cause I gotta keep up the imege ya know. Then someone named Fred drops nummy lookin tofees so I pickes one up to help him and it looks good so I eats it. Then allof a sodden my tunge starts to gro turns purple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tried to say "bye" and it come out as a gag and evryone turns round and im neeling by the cofe table and just cause I eite the stoopid tofee!! Die Fred!! THEN stoopid mum tries to pull it out and "mum stop it cause its my tonge" but it just comes out as "muu stoo i...cou i...m tnge!" and I was spootering lodly and tries to fite her of and I was soffocatng and I doesnt like soffocating!! Then dad starts throwing _my_ china collecton at Hary and he left and I felt sad cause I didnt get so say bye and so the weezard makes my tunge normal and im happy again. 

I go to Smeltings and I beats up dork, yoo know the drill. Hary comes back and I is sooo happy to meat him!! So I beats him up.

Dislaimer by the stoopid person hee hee!!: (HEY!!! Quit messin' with my stuff you fat ugly thing!! Ugh!!) Everything that you recognize from the book, well, actually every name except for Dork is J.K Rowling's. Dork and Laura are possibly going to be introduced, but I can't promise anything yet. Dork is Dudley's name for poor little Kevin Wardley.


End file.
